Introduction


I've been working at Disneyland for a year and a half. One of the main reasons I applied to Disneyland was due to the fact that since California Adventure was opening, they were hiring anyone and everyone. Gone were the high expectations and qualifications to become a Disney Cast Member. People came to the open-job fair in shorts and t-shirts and got hired!

The very first attraction I ever worked on was the canoes. Starting pay at that time for any attractions cast member was $7.21. Now my job was to paddle for 8 hours a day, hauling in these fat, retarded, and completely ignorant guests on a daily basis. This was absolutely tiring, exhausting, and I was getting sun burned. I went to complain that I wanted to work a button job.

Let me set this straight - I'm one of the laziest people you'll ever meet. I'm surprised that I actually got this thing finished. But to be paid the same for manual labor in the hot sun, versus working in an air-conditioned building pushing a button seemed like an easy decision for me. After a lot of bitching I was granted a new attraction, Indiana Jones. Luckily for me, they wiped my knowledge of canoes and I never had to go back there again.

We Don't Care

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about cast members is that we care. Now I cannot speak for the majority of the Indy cast members but I can tell you now, the majority who I speak to or work with don't give a damn about you, your fun, or your money. It always struck me as odd that a guest would come up to me complaining about Indy being closed - usually due to a break down - and tell me they were never going to come back to this attraction, park, place again. As if I, or anyone for that matter, gave a shit whether or not you ever came back. Why should I care? If business does well we do not get a bonus. Even if business goes down and in return we get less hours, we still don't care. The only people who "care" are the managers of each attraction, and the cast members at City Hall because they are paid to "care." Despite what you think, many of those people don't even care - they may act like it to your face, but deep down they don't give a shit. What I loved to respond to guests who were dicks to me, was either "Okay," or "What?" both of which would usually piss them off more. The best is when they say some annoying bullshit and complain about something and it takes them like 2 minutes to say it and when they finish I'll look back at them and go, "What?" hahahahahah!

It truly depends on the manager or cast member, but generally the more you act like a dick, the more the cast members or managers will do something to get rid of you; whether that be a no-wait-in-line pass for another attraction, or basically telling you to get lost in a friendly manner. Sometimes being a dick will get you everything you want and more. Sometimes being a dick will get you an entourage of security and an escort out of the park.

It says 10:30 doesn't it?

According to competent guests, one of the best things ever introduced to Disneyland is Fast Pass. However, to cast members it is one of the most stupid and most hated things about Disneyland. One of the worst questions you could ever be asked by a guest is "Hey you, how does this fast pass thing work." Most guests are very unintelligent and cannot grasp the concept of fast pass. "Yea it's a free system here at Disneyland available to anyone." "Oh really? How much does it cost again?" .... I swear to God, the average intelligence of a guest is that of a 3rd grader, or perhaps I'm being too generous... What's worse is they can't even get the name right. They call it: EZpass, SpeedPass, NowaitPass, SpeedTicket, EZTicket, FastTicket... fucking newbs...

So once you explain the fast pass to them, and tell them you COME BACK BETWEEN THE TIME LISTED ON THE PASS, the guest will go to the fast pass distribution, then come back and try to enter. "What do you mean I have to come back in 7 hours!" And pretty much curse you out. Ah yes, it's such a lovely job. Not to mention the hoards of people who come early and get all pissy when you tell them they have to wait until the exact time to enter. "It's only 5 minutes!! Let us in." Me: "If it's only 5 minutes, then you can wait it fucker! (in my head.)

Oh we get all sorts of shit with fast pass. People will come to me with a fast pass that isn't valid until 9 hours later, and tell me some story about how they have a flight to take at 8pm, and they cannot use their fast pass, so I should just let them go now. Of course, they were never happy to hear me tell them they can just use the stand-by line and wait 2 hours hahahahahaha gtfo

"Where are the fast pass machines?" I swear to God, I answer that question at least 40 times in 30 minutes. People who are behind the people who just ask that question, ask the same question. "Around the rocks, inside the boat house." "Boat house? What is a boat house?" "Around those rocks, to your right!" Do you think they'll say thank you? Nah, course not. Probably 1/50 guests says thank you, and 1/75 actually means thank you when they say it. This job makes you become jaded, and you no longer believe, care, or want to help people - unless they are really nice.

Your Kid is TOOOO SMALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

One of the biggest fears people have about amusement parks is dying tragically on an attraction. Now this is where the job becomes almost down right sickening, and this will instantly make you hate working at Disneyland. Indiana Jones has a 46 inch height requirement, the highest in the park at Disneyland. This is our number one complaint among guests, and I'd say 1 out of 10 times it's our fault, but 9 out of 10 times it's the guests fault.

Probably 2% of the time you measure kids, you'll run into an educated and intelligent guest/parent who can tell their kid is too small, and knows that means they are NOT SAFE to ride. They will understand, feel bad for the child, and ask for either a Rider Switch Pass, or just leave and say "Thanks anyway." But the other 98% of the time you'll find reactions like these.

"He's almost there!" (kid has about 4 inches to go)

"Come on! You're going to make him cry! This is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth!" then when you say no "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT, I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER YOU FUCKING BITCH."

"I'll hold him really tight. Even if I hold him?? I won't let go! He can sit on my lap."

"You let that other kid go on! He's the same height! You're racist!"

"Fucking racist!"

"How come you let all those other kids in, why you have to be unfair to me?"

"Well our family isn't very tall, so he's short for a 5 year old… I want to talk to your manager!."

"What if I we sign a waiver saying we're responsible if he gets hurt." -- Seriously, you got to be fucking kidding me. How can you put your own CHILD's safety at risk for a stupid ride - People are so stupid.

"He's very brave." Hahah I laughed out loud at that one. Oh well

"What do you mean she's not tall enough?? She went on Space Mountain??" - Haha!!! Yea, can't argue with that logic space is 42" and this is 46" - If I'm under 21, can I go to a store and go "What do you mean I can't buy liquor, I bought a pack of cigarettes!!" idiots

I've had people put their older brother's shoes on to have them get taller, parents tell their kids to stand on their tippy toes, people try to hide their kids amongst their fat sweaty selves, or people actually STUFFED napkins in their kids shoes to make them taller.

Now if they get past the entrance, we have 2 other check points. The final check point being when the grouper puts people into the rows. That is where the BIGGEST fights begin. Sometimes they're legit, sometimes they're lying. If it's a legit problem, then I feel bad because the family waited like 1 hour in line and now one of them cannot ride. But generally, the parents take their small kids up the exit, put them over the rope, and they go in from there. Especially when the kid is like 35" tall and they say the guy in the front said it was okay.

People LIE! LIE! LIE and LIE! It's sad and pathetic.

We've had people put their child on the ride, even when they're too small, and refused to get off so we had to close one side off and wait for security to come and take them out. Fuckers.

Coming Soon:

How Many In Your Party?



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