7/14/2003 - Okay if you are new to reading my rants, this particular story may not make entirely sense to you. The story is simple, there was an old classmate of mine who was my friend who decided one day that on his website he would emulate my style of ranting, and put up his own thoughts on a particular subject. Now this guy was kind of nerdy and fobby, never had a girlfriend thru 4 years of high school, and suddenly during college he magically becomes some expert about women. He and his friends put together a series of chapters, explaining (very poorly) about women and how they suck, broken hearts, nice guys not getting the girl, and all this thru the eyes of a virgin. Now I had no idea that this "book" was even available, it wasn't until my friend showed me the link and I read it, that I realized that I had new content to write something on. As a result, I decided that I would rip apart his entire "book" line by line and pretty much expose him for the poorly written, poorly thoughtout, piece of shit that he wrote.

After he discovered my rebuttal, and people everywhere were laughing at him, he quickly terminated his website and the "book" was destroyed. It only lives on thru this site. Now I leave you with the complete archive of the rip.


*Update* - Because you people are exactly what I knew you would be, and that's complete morons. I will post this here in HUGE BOLD FUCKING LETTERS so that I can get this message through your thick little skulls, because you're too stupid to read it in the next paragraph.
If you cannot take a joke or are offended easily, then don't read it.
So what that means is, do not bother E-mailing me, and telling me how offended you are by my comments, and then asking me to apologize for them. Don't do it. Don't. Don't.

Recently, one of my friends stumbled upon the book of truth. The book was created to generate the on going battle between 'girls vs guys.' The full extent of the book's power is yet unknown. It is known however, that if whoever were to read the book, would know unmitigated, unadulturated, immutable truth.

Disclaimer: Your definition of truth may differ from the virgin's definition.

I would like to clarify a few things before you begin reading. The purpose of this entire rip is not because I dislike the author(s) of "The Book", but rather after I finished reading the book, I seriously felt like my intelligence was insulted. I truly believe 90% of the crap that was written in "The Book" is absolutely wrong, incoherent, and extremely poorly written. By mocking this entire book, I'm hoping the author or authors revise their crappy book. All in good fun of course, and if you cannot take a joke or are offended easily, then don't read it. Basically what I did was, copy word for word from the book, and put my comments under those lines. I did not change any text, but did include brackets to help clarify to the reader what the original author PROBABLY meant. For those of you who are slow, and I'm sure that's almost everyone reading this, the gray italics text represent what the author wrote, followed by black text which I wrote. Chapter 1: The Birth of an Ass by The Virgin

I'm sure everyone has heard the words "Why are guys such asses?" come out of a girl's mouth. Well girls, it's your lucky day. I'm going to answer that question for you.

Wouldn't that be rather "heard the question?" I personally do not think it is any girl's lucky day when the The Virgin is around. Keep in mind that he states that he will be answering this "question."

As a lot of other things, you have your nice guys and bad guys.

As a lot of other things, wtf? Like what? Movies? Wrestling? Wow nice guys and bad guys. That's so eloquently put. S.A.T.s WORKED FOR ME!

Nice guys are the ones that care about you...agreed? They want to help you out with what's best for you.

Ohhhh God I never knew that.. thanks, now my GPA will go sky high.

You want somebody that will never doubt you...EVER. So of course, you don't want the nice guys.

Wait wait wait... Nice guys care about girls, but they doubt them? I thought nice guys would never doubt them? I'm confused.. this is just wacky

You want someone outgoing and isn't negative. You want somebody that will listen to you and will always support you. You want someone that is confident and secure. In reality, this is a rare species

What? So nice guys aren't outgoing people. Nice guys are negative people. Nice guys do not listen and support. Nice guys are not confident and are insecure. WTF? I'm so confused. This is more confusing then the Bible. I love how he puts 'In reality' you mean like your "Internet Reality"

So of course, you go for the guys that will listen to you. After listening, they will say something along the lines of "hey, that's great". He won't ever stand in your way of what you want to do. Every once in a while, he'll be sweet and get you flowers...on your anniversary.

Now I'm going to go out on a limb here, and assume he's writing about the "bad guys." I personally don't get the point of this entire segment here. But I'm not the The Virgin now am I?

He's so sweet~!! So hey, everybody is happy. After going out with them for a while, of course, you end up with the big question..."What about sex?"

LOL and here I thought the big question was going to be "Will you marry me?" But I guess for an internet geek virgin 'what about sex?' is the biggest question in his life. I wonder if a girl ever asked him that, he'd reply with "What? You mean with me?"

By this time, of course you'll love them.

Whoa.. now I'm dating two people or more? How can I love THEM? When did this happen? And by WHAT time? Just because you have sex, doesn't mean you love the person. Ohh oh ohhh wait.. you're watching Disney Films that you downloaded off your FTP sites in your spare time, so that's why you're so smart on love and everything. Because you know, no one ever has sex with someone they don't.. love.. do they? course not, that'd be just wacky

I mean...who wouldn't? Your dream guy is finally here right?

Are you gay now? Who wouldn't? Uhhh ME! Pick a side Virgin My dream guy is finally here?! OH BOY! WHERE DO I MEET HIM?

Hey, you're so sure he's gonna stay with you forever, why not? So then after you get down and nasty, he dumps you. Awwwww....poor you.

Since when was sex nasty? Are you sure you stuck it in the right hole Virgin? You do know the difference between the vagina and the asshole? Are you sure she didn't dump you for sticking your toothpick in her virgin a-hole?

Gee, guess what? when he was listening to you...he wasn't. When he never stood in your way of what you want to do...guess why?

Why? oh, you're not going to tell me are you?

Ever wonder why they never remember anything important you've said to them? Never thought about why he was so confident and wasn't afraid to lose you, didja? So now you're left with the nice guys.

I fail to see how this makes you a bad guy. If a girl is THAT fucking ignorant not to be able to pick that up, then it's her own fault. This is not a guy problem, this is a girl problem. Guys don't dump girls after they fuck them either, unless they're lousy at sex. Sorry this isn't some High School game you probably watched in a movie where they just try to have sex with girls and dump them afterwards. A guy will stay where ever he's getting laid, unless the sex is lousy. Only then, will that person leave.

They're [Nice Guys] sitting there going "ok, so if I was like that, she would like me?" Then you finally realize, "hey, I should have stayed with him...he would never do that to me." Now, you go back to the nice guy..

WHAT? So the nice guys watch all this happen right? Then the girl realizes she should of stayed with him (the bad guy?) because he would never do that to her? But I thought he just did? What? If you mean that the girl should of stayed with the 'nice guy,' you stated earlier the girl does not even want the nice guy, so the girl was never with the 'nice guy' to begin with. Watch your pronouns geek.

and hmm...who wants to be settled for?

I'm certain a Virgin like you would take anything he could get... blow-up doll and all

And even better...who wants refurbished merchandice? (AD)

Wow Apurva Doshi wrote that quote. Figures that a computer geek who had a fat girlfriend would relate dating to manufacturing. HOW IS THIS GUY NOT A PIMP?

Plain and simple "Girls want EVERYTHING..." (DW).

Right Derek Wang. Girls want EVERYTHING? Are you sure? They want cancer, AIDS, brain parasites, to be raped, and to be completely misquoted and misinformed by a Virgin with a website.

oh yes, to answer the question...it's because girls forge them into asses

Wow the answer finally came. That's the answer? What the hell? How did that come about? I simply do not see how you arrived at this answer. You're talking about two things here. Guys who are nice, and guys who are bad. And since the girl chose the "bad guy" over the geek, this makes guys asses? Or is it, girls are asses? I'm confused.

Now for a little commentary.

WTF do you call that entire shit you wrote above that? FACTS? LOL, this entire thing is commentary you moron. Jesus Christ!

For you girls who want to trek through the desert where so many of your sisters have fallen, goodluck. For you guys who really are nice guys...we'll see you on the darkside.

Can I be Darth Vader? Omg, that was gay. Someone tries to sound coherent, but fails miserably. I simply do not understand how this has anything to do with "Why guys are asses?" or how asses are created. But take into consideration that this is coming from a Virgin whose biggest concern is whether to spike his hair or not.

Mr. Virgin, I suggest you sit down at your computer (that should be easy you're already there,) and rewrite this horrible rant. I've seen some bullshit before, but yours is the best. Let me tell you, next time why don't you write about something you actually know or can prove. Like VIDEO GAMES and how to POP YOUR ZITS!

Until next time kiddies...

Chapter 2: Expectations by The Virgin

Everybody has expectations for their ideal significant other. You always hear people talking about what this person will look like, how he will act and so forth.

But of course you'll never hear how *SHE* will act and "so forth." Course not, that'd be just wacky!

Of course, they always have to be cute.

Are you sure about the cute part? I guess you conviently forgot about Apurva's old g/f, Becky. oooooh! *rim shot*

They have to show that they care by supporting you and being there for you when you need them to be. Just about everybody has this sort of ideal list.

I love that part. "they *HAVE TO* show that they care..." Since when did a person in a relationship have to do anything to show they care.

It's a normal thing, who wouldn't want these qualities in their significant other right? But one thing that always boggles my mind is that they can't always be around.

LOL - It BOGGLES your mind that your signficant other cannot ALWAYS be around! LOL! Are you some obssessed freak that wants to spend EVERY fucking living second of your life with your significant other? Why does it boggle your mind to begin with? Is it that CONFUSING that someone would NOT want to be with you every fucking second? Jesus christ! You truly are a Virgin.

These conditions can only be met if the other person has the exact same views as you do. The only problem is that this will never happen.

What conditions? OHHHHHH! THESE conditions.. silly me

Though obviously unattainable, there is nothing to stop you from getting it.

Ummm... If the conditions are unattainable, then that's what's stopping you from getting it. Jesus Christ. I've seen people contradict themselves in the same essay or rant (See: Birth of an Ass,) but to contradict yourself in the same god damn sentence.. Now THAT takes talent.

It seems that girls want a guy to worship the ground they walk on. (MN)

I don't know who M.N. is, but that guy probably is a Virgin too. M.N., you must be hanging out with the rich girls, attention whores, and the Stereotypical-Cerritos-Girl. And if you're going to try to make up your own quote, at least get it RIGHT. It's "Girls want GUYS to worship the ground they walk on."

At the same time, they only want him to be around when she wants him to be there. In other terms, he's here when I tell him to be here.

The amusing part about this is, the Virgin will allow the girl to control him, because he's a "nice guy" who does what ever his girl tells him to do. More like you're a god damn pussy who is too busy whacking off over the fact that a girl actually chose you, than to realize that you can control the relationship TOO.

Someone that supports you to show he cares...and so...talking to you about other possibilities...usually the bad possibilities mean that he doesn't care?

::Shakes head, re-reads:: What? What other possibilities? Wtf are you talking about?

Well, he shouldn't do that because that's what my parents and my other friends do.

Well Virgin, when you let a girl control you like I'm sure you do, they end up being your parents. Whether that be by making decisions for you, by being demanding, or by being a nag.

Let's take a look at this...a boyfriend is a regular friend to higher extreme.

No, a boyfriend/girlfriend is a friend whom you are intimate with (like you know, sex?) But of course a Virgin like you would NEVER know anything about sex, because you're a "nice guy" who wouldn't try for sex, because then you'd become an "ass." Or at least that's what your first rant states.

Wouldn't you want him to care as much as your parents do?

OMFG that is scary. I'm so serious, that is really scary. STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY!

You wouldn't want him to care about the negative possibilities?

Again, WHAT ARE THESE POSSIBLIITIES? Am I missing something here?

Before you start dating, you're ecstatic if they want to spend more time with you.

Um, if you're not dating yet, how would they spend more time with you? Wouldn't that just be a friendship? I don't know about you, but the last time my friend wanted to spend more time with me I wasn't exactly *ecstatic* about it. But you don't have friends, so that makes some sense.

Because that shows you that they do like you and just want to be around you a lot. Yay for you. I often hear someone say that their boyfriend is just too "needy".

I think it's more like, YOU are too needy. Can you not go a day without talking to your significant other? Can you not go a day without seeing your significant other? If not, you are the most pathetic, obssessed, and yes, needy Virgin I have ever met.

Everybody says this like it's a bad thing. What better way to know that somebody cares about you?

Yea what better way to know someone cares about you when that person doesn't stop calling you, hanging on you, constantly nagging you, and telling you how "special" you are, and how much you mean to that person. I'm sorry, but that's fucking annoying if you ask me.

Why is that any different once you start dating? So...You only want them there when you call for them, you don't want any kind of feedback that isn't support, and you want to know that they care about you. Seems more like a pet than a person.

Again, what? So you're saying before a girl starts dating you Virgin, that girl always want to be with you, but once you start dating, she no longer wants to be with you? Don't you get it, she finally realized you're some obssessed, needy, and incompetent Virgin.

"Showing too much dedication will scare a girl off." Anybody ever wonder why that is? This leads me back to "The Birth of an Ass".

Well not everyone has to wonder, they already know. There is a fine line between dedication, obssession, and addiction. Judging by how you write, and express yourself, I take it you're really pushing towards the obssessive-addicted type of person. Someone who constantly showers his girlfriend with gifts, compliments, and never wants to be apart from her. I bet if she walks to the bathroom and comes back you say "I missed you." You really need to stop whacking off, and get a life.

Again, this rant is titled expectations, but I'm not quite sure how this really shows anything regarding expectations. Virgin, you seem like a rather uneducated, depressed, girl-obssessed, well.. virgin! You need to get your head out of your ass, and realize that it's YOU not the girl. You allow ALL OF THIS to happen, because you're a pussy who can't stand up to his girlfriend. If she treats you like this, why the hell do you "love" her? Because you don't, you're just so happy there is a person of the opposite sex who is desperate enough to date you, that you become so wrapped up in your fairy-tale mind, that you become her little slave. Then once she dumps your pathetic ass, you cry to the world in incoherent rants, that demonstrate that your mind is traveling faster than you can type, and the end result is a convoluted mess that no one but yourself could ever possibly understand...

Chapter 3: I was Mad at You by The Virgin

We've all done things that weren't really our true self.

Such as?

The only difference is the aftereffect of what you've done.

Like what?

When a guy does something wrong, there is such thing as an excuse.

Man oh man, this intro keeps getting better by the sentence.

Until she is totally out of her life, he will never hear the end of it.

Whoa, hold on! Wait a minute! Where did this girl come from? And why must she leave my life for me to stop hearing the end of my excuse? And why is it that when I do something that's not my true self, it has to invovle a girl?

It's just amazing how when a girl does something wrong, you will sometime hear, "Well, I was mad at you." Somehow, this is suppose to make it all ok.

That's amazing? Well then if it doesn't make it okay, why don't you question her and argue over it? Why don't you confront her about it? Why don't you put her in place and show her who fucked up? Ohhh that's right, because she might break up with you, and then you'll go running to the bed and start crying again.

If you ever bring it up thereafter, you get a response something like "I thought you were over it! Why do you keep mentioning it?!"

Here's a solution, DUMP THE BITCH? Oh no, you're too nice to do that right? Not, it's more like she's your only girlfriend ever, and if it took you 18-19 years to finally get one, there's noooooooo way in hell you're going to let that baby go! Instead you'll just sit there and take it, and go and cry to the world about it. Yea great solution. You know, it's simple. If a girl does shit to piss you off, tell her it pisses you off and to stop. If she doesn't, break up with her and find one who will.

What's even better is that whenever she does something bad, her girlfriends will always say "no, it's ok...it was HIS fault...he made you do it."

Are we still in high school here? I'm fucking serious! This situation just reeks high school "drama," and if it's still happening in your life, you better get the fuck out and find some more mature friends and girlfriends. This just screams Cerritos High School relationships right here.

Yet, when he does something wrong, her girlfriends say "what an ass."

This seems a bit hypocritical, because by complaining about what her girlfriend says, you're trying to make your readers think that the girlfriend's friend is an ass. All she may be doing is trying to help her friend, instead of saying "Well duh it's your fault moron."

Girls are perfect in every way...

Because you know, a virgin boy like you is too right?

Chapter 4: Criticism by The Virgin

Hey, nobody is perfect. There’s always room for improvement. But how do we know where to improve unless somebody comes along and points it out?

And that's exactly what I'm doing right here. Pointing out that you cannot write, express your feelings coherently, or persuade people to see your point of view.

This is commonly known as constructive criticism

This is so great, now you can't get mad because I'm simply using uh, constructive criticism.

Most of us like to think that we are good at taking these criticisms.

I swear, this shit just writes itself.

Whether it’s to make us seem not so self centered, we always tell people we are open minded and welcome constructive criticism. Usually when confronted, the truth will be revealed.

And it has been revealed! It's almost scary that he's actually going to direct this at "guys can take criticism but girls can't" when here I am criticizing the hell out of him, and probably pissing him off in the process.

Guys are known to take criticisms well from their girlfriend or "significant other." That’s when they get teased that they’re "whipped".

wtf - that's being whipped? And here I thought whipped meant the girlfriend has her boyfriend by the balls, she has absolute power, and the boyfriend does everything she says, even if it's against his own morals, beliefs, and most importantly, friends. But what do I know, right?

In the mind of most guys, they will just say “Ah whatever” or at least pretend to.

... Glad you know what happens in most guys' minds...

Somehow, girls are different.

SOMEHOW? WTF!?

They tend to think that they’re really good at taking it. But when confronted, will respond with something along the lines of "That’s just the way I am, don’t try to change me" or "ok, so what else? You think I’m fat too?!"

hahahhahahha! Alright you brain washed readers of mine, lets all say it together now shall we? HIGH-SCHOOL-RELATIONSHIP! HIGH-SCHOOL-RELATIONSHIP!

I can guarantee that almost every girl that comes to view this page will end up angry, upset, or with a thought of "whatever".

Wow you can make a guarantee out of all 3 girls (2 of them your cousins) that came to your site to see your pathetic book. You should be booking at Vegas man! WHAT ARE THE ODDS MAN!??! If they're angry, it's because you got everything wrong!

Not once will they question, "Hmm..could any of this be true about me?"

Uhm, because not all girls have the HIGH SCHOOL mentality that you still seem to have.

Well ladies, guys don’t just talk about all this stuff for no reason.

But yet, you complain when girls talk to other girls about boys. You keep thinking girls need to change, but I think it's you who needs to change. Blaming girls for everything is simply absurd. What's really getting me though, is that I'm starting to begin to think you've only had ONE girlfriend, and she broke your heart. And from this ONE relationship that you've had, you're already an "expert" who can draw conclusions about all types of girls, and know all there is to know about relationships (which is untrue or you'd still be in one.) However, you could always use your book for humor, because I laugh my ass off everytime I read your shit.


Chapter 5: Dominating vs Compromising by The Virgin

You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?” A very popular saying. Hear it everywhere. Pretty much everybody talk the funky talk, but can we all really walk the funky walk?

I swear to god, I didn't make that part up. He really wrote that.

Making promises and compromises during a relationship are very important. Actually, they’re important throughout the rest of your life too.

They're so important in fact, that you're going to explain this important topic of dominating vs compromising in five sentences.

These are always meant to be kept and never broken. It’s becoming more common that promises are just a way to make someone believe your lie and nothing more

Okay, but I thought you were discussing compromising and dominating, not making promises. What do you mean by "...It's becoming more common..." you have statistical proof that people are lying more now than they were say 50 years ago? That's pretty bold of you to state that.

soon enough, a promise will be worth nothing at all.

And so will the validity of your rants...

A compromise is an agreement between two people

Funny how the entire purpose of this rant is supposed to be about dominating vs compromising, and toward the end he falsly explains what compromising is. Case in point.

Buck Tooth Tony: "Dang Jethro, do you agree that NASCAR is a sport?"
Jethro: "Yes I agree."
Buck Tooth Tony: "We just compromised?"
Jethro: "Well according to that virgin we did."


Like a promise, it is meant to be kept. Next time you decide to make a promise or compromise, make sure you never break it

WTF - that's it? That's the end? Are you kidding me? What the hell? What happened to dominating vs compromising? Shouldn't this entire topic be about a couple using compromise to problem solve? And how one should try to compromise with another person, instead of always "dominating" the relationship by deciding everything? What the hell? How is it even possible to compare two things in five sentences to begin with? What a complete filler and waste of time this chapter is.

Chapter 6: Importance by The Virgin

Everybody wants to feel special one way or another.

Well I'm sure after my readers have read your trash, they have drawn their own conclusions just about how special you really are virgin.

The biggest fear in society is the fear of rejection.

lol - Of course a shy geek who got rejected more times then I can count in high school would state that. But I guess "fear of rejection" sure outweighs war, starvation, death, crime, disease, and jewish people.

There are a lot of things that can make a person feel more important than anybody else

Like what?

For some people...a simple gift can do it, for others...maybe a hug will work.

OMG! Don't I feel stupid. He broke the formula and actually... you know, PUT A FUCKING EXAMPLE! I guess miracles do happen.

One way or another, it sucks to have to feel like everyone has things better than you do.

Hold on, let me translate that for you guys. Don't worry, just take a sec... "Please like me, please buy me stuff and give me hugs. I'm so lonely, everyone is doing so much better than I am. Be my friend!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everybody has the ability to make someone else feel like they're worth something.

It's so bold of you to make a statement that concerns, well... EVERYBODY. Because you know, there's no such thing as an exception to every rule, because that'd be just wacky. And the last time I checked, this wasn't the Book of Wackiness.

Though it might be something as small as an ear to listen, it could really mean a whole lot more to someone else.

Funny how the virgin brings up small anatomy parts. I'll let the reader's own mind dictate that one.

For the most part, it's not until it's too late that people realize this. Without confidence, it's difficult to get anything done.

Well thank goodness you told me! Now I can have the confidence I need to you know, go up to a girl and hug them! :O I'm shocked too!

You're filled with a feeling of helplessness and the mentality that the effort you put in, is not going to make any difference. This is a horrible way for anybody to feel. Even though people don't show it, they could be hiding a lot from the rest of the world...

So... we're supposed to go help these people who are hiding "a lot" from the rest of the world eh? And we do that by being confident that we can help them. Okay. And why are we doing this again? Ohhh because making someone feel important (cough cough, only you) makes everyone happy. Um okay. This entire chapter is basically a plea for help.

Chapter 7: Closing Statements by The Virgin

TBA...

Chapter 8: Reader Comments by varies.

"It's like the bad english instructions when you buy really cheap swap meet asian electronics"

"Funniest thing I've ever read."

"I fell out of my chair laughing so hard. This guy is such a moron."

"When he finds out about this... He's going to be so mad!"

Now before I close this page, please understand that I must do this joke, because it's the fucking funniest thing ever. I mean no disrespect to Mr. Bun Bun who has passed away (after) the making of caption. If you're offended by shit, then don't look at it. But GOD, it's gotta be the funniest shit ever.



And you can send all your hate mail to me, at yugisama@gmail.com

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